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Are you, by any chance, a politician? If so, then I’m going to have to go with no. Or rather, NO! I just wanted to check because your group does tend to over-index on this sort of thing.
But perhaps you are not a politician and are just asking for a friend. This is a minefield for all ages. I suppose demand is highest among the young. Even so, I guess there are lots of divorced or separated people who are suddenly wondering if this is something they need to mug up on before they put their details on Bumble. For the purposes of simplicity (and topicality), I’m going to focus on the practice of sending nude pictures, but most of what follows also applies to texts.
Even if you aren’t a politician — and can I just say, what the hell is going on inside the head of any elected figure who does this while presuming to legislate for a nation? — the answer is probably still no. But assuming you feel impelled to sext, there do seem to be a few basic and obvious rules for those venturing into the boudoir with a camera. Actually that sounds like a solution for an updated Cluedo. It was someone calling themselves Miss Scarlett, in the bathroom with an iPhone.
Am I wrong, by the way, to think this is much more a guy thing? Maybe this is my boomer, heterosexual sensibility kicking in, but I somehow struggle to believe women are as enticed by explicit nudes. I’m sure they enjoy a buff body, but the full Kintyre peninsula?
I realise, however, that several British MPs and the odd US congressman have set an alternative example, so if respect for our legislature leaves you minded to follow their example, I offer this handy checklist.
First, make sure you have actually met the recipient. It’s surprising how useful this can be. Being in a relationship with your pic pal can really help you dodge some of the potential pitfalls. Just having met helps and also offers a greater sense of veracity. Clearly if these pics are for a long-standing partner, that’s going to smooth out some potential wrinkles, including the need to smooth out wrinkles. How erotic they might find this is another matter, but at least you tick the ethical boxes.
The second and essential rule is clearly that the recipient is an adult who has asked for them. Cyber flashing is a crime and, worse than that, it could seriously put you off your lunch. But even here, be a little suspicious of a text from someone you don’t recognise saying, “We met at so-and-so’s book launch, here’s a pic of me naked. Send one back.” Take a look at yourself, dummy. How likely is it that someone you can’t recall meeting wants that pic for innocent reasons?
Third, you should look good in the pic. Writing this, my autocorrect changed “good” to “Godlike”. This may be setting the bar a little too high but it’s always nice to have goals. But to return to the rule, a clue here: if you need to spend more than two minutes Photoshopping your nude selfie, stick to clothing and a cheeky smile.
The fourth rule is related to the third, and I cannot overstress this one. You need to be above embarrassment if the pics leak. If you cannot cope with the idea of the image getting out, that might be God’s way of telling you that you may prefer conventional portraiture. This is a generally handy rule for all online behaviour. We might not all be MPs but we mostly have bosses, colleagues and parents. A useful addendum to this rule, therefore, is to keep anything you send soft-core.
This is a tricky subject for people my age. One of my best decisions was being born before the internet and smartphones. Social mores and ease of delivery have changed a bit over time, although I can still think of no other argument for a Polaroid camera. It is possible that among the under-thirties, the emergence of a legally exchanged sex pic is nothing more than a little embarrassing, that this behaviour is so commonplace that the odd disclosure is just the price of doing business. Even so, I suspect it is different when it happens to you.
So yes, if two consenting adults want to spice things up and these conditions apply, then go for it. But you know what? If you really feel the need to send something, how about flowers? Flowers are nice.
Email Robert at magazineletters@ft.com
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